Baby Boomers and Their Aging Parents

What will become of the “Sandwich Generation?” Those of us between our aging parents and our kids. As a baby boomer that was born in 1962, I am seeing more and more of the struggles and worries of adult children of aging parents. My mom died at aged 65 of complications of Multiple Sclerosis a few years ago and my dad is 71 years old and is in good shape and very active. I don’t have a plan that has all of the details worked out, but, I have a general idea.

As adults, my brother and I have talked with our parents frankly and have discussed many issues.Granted, it was easier to discuss things with mama. With daddy, you just speak your mind and he speaks his mind and there you have it. I have never been afraid to tell him that he’s wrong or is being an ass. I love my daddy and am a lot like him. Some might say I’m a little too much like him. Apparently, the kind of relationship that I have had with both my parents is unusual. There is no arguing or yelling or hard feelings. I may not like what my dad does and he may not like what I do, but, we are still family.

As an adult child of an aging parent, I can be proactive about what the future may hold and what the best solutions may be or I can stick my head in the sand and not deal with the inevitable. I’m not an ostrich and I can handle anything if I know about it. I remember when I was little that papaw Martin (my great-grandfather) was living with family until his death. That was probably the late 1960′s. Was there a lot of two-income households at that time? Were there any assisted livings? All I remember was the old stinky nursing homes. That is one place that older folks did not want ever go. Their families agreed or just kept them at home because that’s the way it was always handled. The nursing homes of today are so much better than they were in the past. Now, we even have assisted living facilities and in-home care available.

I know what I can handle and what I can’t handle. My dad will have in-home care and if needed he will transition to an assisted living facility and then into a nursing home. I will make the best choices that I can with the information that I have at the time.

When the caregiver doesn’t care anymore…

Some of you are thinking, how can that be?  Obviously, you have not been a continuous caregiver.  I was raised that families take care of their own and to do what needs to be done.  My dad was the continuous caregiver for my  mom and he was very good with her and would not consider a nursing home.  He was exhausted, stressed and I sometimes wondered if he did it because they were married.  The night my mom died, I saw how much he really did love her and was committed to her.  My parents grew up in the age of not so nice nursing homes and little help from “outsiders.” 

Back to the caregiver doesn’t care anymore….  It isn’t that they truly no longer care anymore, but, an exhaustion that cannot be explained to those that haven’t experienced it.  You are so tired that you cannot think straight anymore ; much less feel anything.  You are numb and just existing and you start to have not so nice thoughts about the person that you are caring for.  Oh,  and you can’t share those thoughts because it isn’t nice and you would look like a monster.  You are being pulled like taffy in about “50 – 11″ different directions.  ( That’s just something I’ve heard all of my life in regards to being pulled in every direction possible.)  The caregiver isn’t just dealing with physical disabilities.  Sometimes they are dealing with the irrational feelings, dementia, or other psychological disorders of the person that they are caring for.  As a caregiver, you can’t express your feelings or your frustrations without feeling like an ass.  There are no easy answers and for you caregivers out there—-You are doing the best that you can and that is good enough.  Get outside help, if needed, so that you may recharge your own emotional and physical batteries.  Letting others help you is not a sign of weakness.  I have heard this saying, “It takes a village to raise a child.”  Well, it takes a village to help your family and friends to care for one another.